When you're down... things always come in three... I only realise that are really happening... only heard that from hubby few years ago...

 

Job, pain in the neck, and now my xxxxxx boiler! I really hope its just three! Thank you GOD... you really are kind to me, first you gifted me my bipolar, and now you're punish me... I think you are, small heart... remember? If there is a GOD up somewhere, then he is punishing me, all this pain I need to put up with is still not enough and you need to give me more, you are really small heart... GOD!

 

I am very sorry to all my GOD friend's friends, I do have some crazy time believing God and Jesus, and actually my G-ma and Dad are Buddhism and I don't believe any, but when I was 24 my 2rd big crack are showing up and before I went to the nut house in HK during my holiday, I was talking crazy things to my little brother, I wake him up late at night telling him Jesus is up there, it's real, I can remember the look on his face, he was disappointed, it was our holiday and I gone mad! They all disappointed I spoiled our holiday, but to proof I was right to my family, I start screaming because nobody believe me and I want to break things  to make them believe there is Jesus up there, I want to pick up a big vase, try to hit the TV but they stopped me, I managed hit the 2 ft vase on the floor, and I ended up in the police station for the night and lock up in the mad house for the rest of my holiday, the doctor let me out few day before the end of my three week holiday, and i was supposed coming back for a school friend's wedding, and I never had chance to see her or went to her wedding, my dad won't even let us go anywhere without him and he treat us like a 3 years old, he don't remember i was sent back HK before for my first holiday with a friend and his new wife, I am on my own most the time, I was 17-18 then and with my first depression. Wow! that is something... and I have a few more holiday back home on my own and with family, thank GOD no visiting the nut house, still had that worry too, sometime! Don't think I can do that anymore, on my own!!! 

 

God... where am I? Did it again! just want to correct something end up adding a book in the middle! Yes, the GOD stuff... I had that God and Jesus in my mind for ages, and I bought myself a cross necklace when I got back to UK, I bet my dad bought me one while I am in the nut house, but he never did, all I want is just for some comfort because i am believing at that time, but the cross never work and I did went to church manytime with different people but I never feel any thing in there, and I still go now and them if friends ask, just to socialise. But because no matter who I believe or not, I am still had this big devil visit me, so from my last relapse, I change... 9 years ago, I had a very bad one with my bipolar, he nearly finish me off, during that periods I don't know who is up there I can ask for help, when I look out the bedroom window, I ask the big tree give me a node if there is GOD up there, or stop waving the leaves right now if I am right, so I said: "Jesus or Chinese God?" sometime they do look like talking to you, but I still don't know or I stop believing any now, I think be kind and honest don't do things to hurt people is enough, and last, any of my writing, is a big hot to read for some people... and I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable, and that included any family member if you read - my past and new post!

 

My space my writing is my way to get me out of my hole that GOD dump me in to......... hope you all understand!