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Silly billyBeen a silly billy, while i am doing my blogwalk earlier, i accdiently sent out two invite, i was using my hubby's mobile phone doing my blogwalking, i feel very uncomfortable, it wont be if they weren't religiously minded. I feel so silly... My Pain...That heavy head are back again, haven't had a headache for ages and now I have two in three days, and never feel like this pain before, I am a little bit worry about this heavy head... well, may be its time to go... times up! LOL.......
I really is a silly mum... I can't keep my mouth zipped, if I can have my eye close and my mouth shut like the rest, maybe life will be alot easy for everyone. Things will happy ever after... but I just can't... I know myself too well, hubby don't understand me at all, he just keep saying: yes, you can... sounds easy for him, does he really care about me, or just like the think of a free cook, free cleaner, free gardener and free... at night! And have me to supply all those luxury items around the house, even need to get my hand in my pocket if I want a proper holiday, I hate going camping in Father in-law's camper-van. Well, I had moaned all this before, but its another moaning day for me this morning. Too much I want to shout and put it behind... but they seem to last forever in my mind. Sometime I really want to tell myself off, why can't I forget the past and take things easy... pretend I was blind and deaf, maybe that will come soon too! LOL.... then life will be happy ever after! LOL.................... and time to go join my real father(GOD).............. haha! Fighting already...We are fighting already... with the house! Me and my pain(daughter) are fighting already with the house! LOL... couldn't remember what bring up the subject other day, my pain are shouting loud: No, its my house not yours, and I shouted back: No, its not yours... even Grand-dad die the house is not yours, it will be daddy's and that means its my too... not yours... and my pain still fight back, she said: No, its not yours, its mine! You don't have the blood, I've their blood... Gosh! Where did she learn that from or heard that from, or who she been talking to... I wonder! Hubby didn't tell her off, just say shut up... he's doing the driving, we're going to see our dentists. I can tell my pain really don't like me moving back and don't blame her, I am the only one told her off in the house when she behave badly, and the same evening when we are having dinner her table manner are behaving unbelievable bad... and those two men didn't say a word, so as usual I put my mouth in and she shouted back at me and I get fire up and hubby as usual tell me to zipped, and I am really getting cross, why can't he tell her off and zipped, I think when she is wrong we should give them a lesson... she like it or not she should zip and listen, not shouting back at me, hubby and FIL are spoiled her too much, she now think she is the lady in the house, is it moving back a good idea? I really don't know...
Don't really want to blog about this crap in here, but who the hell care! Have a good day to all my space friends! Mei Just a wish... Will life be easy...
right up the mountain top... Sleeping...Sleep on demand... been sleeping on all sort of funny hours last few days, wake up 12.50am this morning, but I went to bed before 8pm last night, I just couldn't keep my eye open, only can sleep 4 or 5 hours max for past 2-3 years, if I don't have a afternoon nap, by 7 in the evening I will feel and look like sleeping walking, if I go to bed early I will wake up early, like last night can't stay open with my eye so went to bed before 8pm, wake up 12.50am, and worrying... can I go back again, luckily since having a computer and get into blogging, I have something for me to do, and I can vent all my anger in my blog, well, and some happy thought too! Not all are bad stuff are they? So, luckily I did have another two hours sleep after spend over 2 hrs walk blogging, then went back for another 2 hrs wake up at 5 this morning. Yesterday, I gone back to bed after breakfast, hubby left around 9 after breakfast he want to do the running round but I am feeling sleeping again, told him go home first, we do the run around later after lunch, so I have another good sleep till 2pm WOW... that is a very lovely one, wish don't need to wake up, 2pm... haven't done that for ages... So... if I can sleep I sleep, who care what time is it, it is sleep on demand. Told my friend yesterday, she said, so, when you can you do what you like, specially you don't have much luck most night, enjoy it! Yes, enjoy it no need feel shame, ok Mei! Yes! haha... nice to have a friend understand me. :-) Didn't have time for lunch sleep till 2pm, I just gab a banana and some crisp when hubby turn up with father in-law and my dog! daughter gone to boyfriend's, We went to Aquarium shop bought some more stuff added to my fish tank, I am so please with my Maine fish Tank I set up in June, the fish are doing really well, every thing still alive! I know I should not say it out to early, but I hope its ok this time, where are you GOD! Look after my fish, otherwise... I blame you again! :-) Christmas...I love the beautiful things around Christmas time... the tree, the colourful lights, the presents, the decoration, the cards I received, the good food... etc. But that is when I was little girl, as I am getting older I hate every mins when its coming close. I am just telling you the truth, sorry Jesus... and sorry to my space friends once again! What happen to me lately? I must really are nut, I just can not avoid that blxxdy word-GOD or his son JESUS lately in my blog. Weird...
Anyway, I just love to say it again and again I hate Christmas!!! I hate doing the decorations at home, I hate shopping for presents, I hate writing cards, I hate cooking for Christmas! And I need tell you the truth as well... after all my moaning I still love all those things I hate, I love the presents, the cards, the food, the lights and the beautiful tree! And of course, the chocolate! But I just don't fancy doing anything at all this days, lazy is my trouble. I love all this beautiful things in Christmas when I was a little girl... but now I want to run away from it all, wish I can find a place that don't know or don't have Christmas, so I don't feel guilty or lonely! Am I the only one? Is it really a GOD or JESUS up there???????? ummm...
Happy with my news?Finally... I need to face the truth, life is hard with out a job and money... how long can I carry on living alone with out a job... the God create us and working for money to stay alive is his wish. We fight we kill we rob for all sort of way to get the money, even with your own family or friends, jealous is the NO 1 motive, you got one of these and I want one too! So everybody are after that word "Money". Me too... I can't stay on my own any longer with out a job, and I am not claiming any unemployed money, never have done, with just a little DLA benefits, I am digging a hole for myself. Yes, everybody think I am stupid but i just can't sign up for job seeker allowance, I can pop in the job centre to seek help looking for work, but I just couldn't face the true that I need to ask for help to get money to stay alive, I might turn to my brothers! LOL!!! I rather starve to death, try that to many times, wish I can go if that easy! Your GOD won't let me! He is the only one who care about me! haha...
And another thing make me give in is my old dream, its the only one that still hanging out not doing anything, most my dream had got its home or place to stay, so I really want to have another go, I want try it again... even Father in-law have a big hope on that from me, my health and age is pushing on me, time is running out, that dream actually is out of my head for good, but I still have that little dream somewhere in the corner, it keep telling me - there is hope... and the happy news is - Mei is going back to the house, she will try to find her happy ever after......... LOL!
What do you think the end will be my friends - or have I got any? LOL... Yes, space is just for people looking for pleasure from pain!, people just love to see people's pain and get upset or cross if they think you're not doing what they expect or wish. All those kind words just for show? They can dump you for no reason and you keep thinking why, what have I done? Why come back and ask me why can't I read your post? Well, when I am hot or low, that is my mood it go up and down so quick for a reason and I hate commenting space with no reply not just once or twice... in the end I will fight back, to me they're not treating you like a friend, they just want to read your pain and have a laugh, when this happen I deleted people from my list, sometimes its mistake I forgot to add them on my permission, I just don't understand how people got the face to ask to read your blog and they don't bother to return your comment or say thank you for visiting, I've a few are like that from my early post when I find out I can set permersion!
 There are request flooding in to read my post, I was really surprised! I have such little bunch interesting reader reading my rubbish! I am really see through now, friends are hard to understand and a real friend are hard to tell sometimes... I remember my dad said this to us a few times: Good friends bad friends, you need to know, don't push them away because they're bad, but don't get in their bad things, some times the bad one can lend you a helping hands, I think its so true, we been there.I am staying with my blog and I will carry on moaning what I like to moan, when I start this blog things, I really have no idea I can have comment back with my writing, specially my English is that crap, and most my writing is about my up and down mood with bipolar, I am really please with all the friends I make in here, your comments are encouraging and yes, had been one or two drama but I love it, especially people need to deleted their comments or space to keep their pure side. I deleted one or two recently, its only i am talking to much and got the wrong signal that they want to be friends again. Well, that is all for now, to much moaning will damage your look, be careful... Mei Is this what father should do... just watching? Pleasure from pain...Pleasure from pain... I think everybody does some times - you been hurt... had a hard time with friends or family, everything seems wrong around you, do you take pleasure from pain! I do...I blame GOD, who else I blame... well! yes, of course its not true I know that, there isn't one! So, it doesn't matter! But I didn't think about other people's feeling, and I am very wrong, didn't know my moaning and blaming GOD recently was really hurting some people's feeling, and I am taking pleasure from pain - making fun with their GOD, blaming my pain are from him. Yes, I am! if there is one up there, he is our GOD, he give us life! and he should look after us, but what did he do? if he is that powerful and people believe him, but did he give us peace and health, he is our father, he just watching his own children killing each other hurting others did he do anything to stop us? Well, my friends that is my own crazy thinking, I don't believe any God, if there was one, we must have more than one father, and why the children are different colour... so his been naughty too! If there is a GOD up there, I think he is like your own father, should be just one. It's the same as we're come from one dad one mum, and that is no matter how many mum or dad you have. So if our very first father is the GOD, how did he make us people different colour? He must have lots of different colour lady friend them!
Well, I don't know how this rubbish has come out from my head, just want to moan about people like to take pleasure from pain and I am one of them too, I take pleasure from pain - I blame all my pain from our father - the GOD! If people couldn't stand my joke! Please have a read my front page before joining my space, no matter who's invited who. I am thinking leaving here to start a new home for my mood, and may be I will change my thinking or mind to please your GOD, I LOVE YOU GOD!  Don't know why...I don't know what is up with me lately, I been blaming everything on GOD recently, and look what I done to my space!
 Looks like I had upset everybody with my blogs lately! Well, damage are done, I know no matter how many times I say sorry, its no use. All my GOD talk... just for adding some smile and venting during visits from my friend - bipolar! Who will understand me... Love me Hate me... who care! I see it all. Thanks P, I remember your chin up! I am trying my best!  Good day to you all! You all in my heart... help me through many up and down... Thank you all! Have a good chat with my favorite Aunty...Went out shopping with my favorite Aunty, only just down the road and we walk in the rain, just a little rain and not far so we walk, only bought some foodie for the tummy not cloths shopping! :-( We had a good chat back in my flat, told her one of my good news... but she don't think... I thought she will be please for us... well, I will try my best to show it work. And I will blog this a later date.
I call my sisters out for dim sum tomorrow with all the children and my little pain is coming too, i thought she will say no when i ask, i am surprised, hope she behave... so I hope tomorrow is another good day, my mood are going up quick last few day, i am feeling strong again and my arm are getting better each day, so there is hope and light again, love you GOD! ha ... :-) There is hope... I hope...One of my Solutions is working... hubby sort of ... he ask me looking for details...
Wow, thank GOD, I see you coming now, light is shinning up there, ha-ha... maybe you need a told off as well... LOL!
I am zipping my mouth this time, help me GOD! he-he... How long for...  Things come in three.... anymore?When you're down... things always come in three... I only realise that are really happening... only heard that from hubby few years ago...
Job, pain in the neck, and now my xxxxxx boiler! I really hope its just three! Thank you GOD... you really are kind to me, first you gifted me my bipolar, and now you're punish me... I think you are, small heart... remember? If there is a GOD up somewhere, then he is punishing me, all this pain I need to put up with is still not enough and you need to give me more, you are really small heart... GOD!
I am very sorry to all my GOD friend's friends, I do have some crazy time believing God and Jesus, and actually my G-ma and Dad are Buddhism and I don't believe any, but when I was 24 my 2rd big crack are showing up and before I went to the nut house in HK during my holiday, I was talking crazy things to my little brother, I wake him up late at night telling him Jesus is up there, it's real, I can remember the look on his face, he was disappointed, it was our holiday and I gone mad! They all disappointed I spoiled our holiday, but to proof I was right to my family, I start screaming because nobody believe me and I want to break things to make them believe there is Jesus up there, I want to pick up a big vase, try to hit the TV but they stopped me, I managed hit the 2 ft vase on the floor, and I ended up in the police station for the night and lock up in the mad house for the rest of my holiday, the doctor let me out few day before the end of my three week holiday, and i was supposed coming back for a school friend's wedding, and I never had chance to see her or went to her wedding, my dad won't even let us go anywhere without him and he treat us like a 3 years old, he don't remember i was sent back HK before for my first holiday with a friend and his new wife, I am on my own most the time, I was 17-18 then and with my first depression. Wow! that is something... and I have a few more holiday back home on my own and with family, thank GOD no visiting the nut house, still had that worry too, sometime! Don't think I can do that anymore, on my own!!!
God... where am I? Did it again! just want to correct something end up adding a book in the middle! Yes, the GOD stuff... I had that God and Jesus in my mind for ages, and I bought myself a cross necklace when I got back to UK, I bet my dad bought me one while I am in the nut house, but he never did, all I want is just for some comfort because i am believing at that time, but the cross never work and I did went to church manytime with different people but I never feel any thing in there, and I still go now and them if friends ask, just to socialise. But because no matter who I believe or not, I am still had this big devil visit me, so from my last relapse, I change... 9 years ago, I had a very bad one with my bipolar, he nearly finish me off, during that periods I don't know who is up there I can ask for help, when I look out the bedroom window, I ask the big tree give me a node if there is GOD up there, or stop waving the leaves right now if I am right, so I said: "Jesus or Chinese God?" sometime they do look like talking to you, but I still don't know or I stop believing any now, I think be kind and honest don't do things to hurt people is enough, and last, any of my writing, is a big hot to read for some people... and I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable, and that included any family member if you read - my past and new post!
My space my writing is my way to get me out of my hole that GOD dump me in to......... hope you all understand!
who will understand...The emptiness... lonely hopeless feeling... yesterday, nearly push me deep down the hole again! I call off the cooking back in the house, don't like they see my red eyes. Father and son still busy working on top of the house changing all the fascias and guttering for the last two weeks. Nearly finish and looking not bad... they like do things together, anything if they can do... they want to do it them self, this project take them 20 years to decided or save up!
After I call off the cooking, I have a great cry in the flat, lucky no body next door, then I have this new idea- a cookery club just for friends and mentally ill, it give me some light or hope, I don't feel that sad suddenly! I am not running a business, just some friends having lunch and I doing some cooking lessons, it's free! just some donation to a charity. I think I can manage that, its not a formal lesson, just like few friends get together... this is not a dream, just something to keep me occupied, don't think I can work again anymore, my arm and shoulder been playing me up again, I been searching for a new job, but how do I work with my pain on shoulder and arm! I think that three week school cleaning really finish me off! I don't know its that hard work, should give up the first day, and listen to my old lady. And a big thank you to my dad, all those years working for you with that hot WOK! All I got from you is a pain in the shoulder and arm, thanks Dad! And my heel spur! I won't forgive and forget you Dad! Its impossible....What is life...Feel very blue today... told hubby I will pop in later to cook dinner at his place when he left my flat this morning, just before I want to leave, tears was pouring down my face, it change my mood so quick, I don't like to pop in and let them see me with my red eyes and I know I will keep flooding the place with tears. Hubby said he don't mind and ask me to come down. I was ok last night and cooking breakfast this morning, I did said a few words when he leave this morning moaning about me not happy on my own again! with no job and worrying about my pain on my arm and shoulder, and looks like that crazy dream is like a big rock deep down in the ocean. I have friends and family and hubby and a daughter, but they seem like far far away from me no body want to know or care about me, I am scare to call them when I am low, I feel I am not welcome, sisters and brothers? Am I that mad! I know everybody have their own story too, but we should get together more... we're not much different from stranger...
Hubby just call he will pick me up after he got the stew cooking in the oven, I don't know I am lucky or not with this hubby, he seem to care and still love me, even I push him to pick between me or his dad, and he pick to stay with his dad!
 We can have a place close to his dad's, but he don't like the idea, I am still on my own, maybe this is a trend now a days, just like he told me - there is a program about partner and married couple living separately but stay together with the relationships. Just like us... yes, but they not dump because a father in-law! I feel so blue again with all this old pain still around me, try to let go but it's not easy, after I have a good cry, I feel a little bit better. Then another crazy idea just come out from nowhere - cookery lunch club for friends and the mentally ill.... free! Just a little donation for a name charity... how about that? My blue is fading...  I just need something to keep my mind off my pain... and feel useful... something to look forward to... and keep intouch with people, not feeling lonely at home. I am much better now, I got this cookery club to keep my mind busy for a while... one dream pass away... but I got another to keep me going... life feel some light again... devil(bipolar)! I won't let you bit me this time... I will wait and see for myself! Feeling little bit...Got a letter from the landlord's solicitor last week, in his opinion preparing and cooking food on a commercial scale would be in breach of the covenant contained in the lease. He also said " A lot of people do run small part-time business from their homes - Internet type business. But if Mei carrying on a business from the premises, it is not a private dwelling use and if there are smells emanating from the cooking that could well amount to a nuisance. Further, the insurance policy for the block is in the nature of a policy for private flats and a commercial operation might void the policy." - When I did my home cooked meals 12 years ago at my in-law's house (only 3 hours an evenings Friday, Saturday only ) the business is so low key the insurance didn't need to change a thing but I do had other insurance for the business.
Well, I still hope there is a chance to get them change their mind! I think working at home as a business on the Internet is no different from what I trying to do. All business is a business, if people can work at home running a business - is business! All business call commercial - big or small... and I do think there is people out there who is working at home doing big business... Mei just want to stay alive.......... and 99 % Mei's ready meals is prepared ready meals ready for you to cook in your own home. How much cooking will it need for just prepared food for people doing the cooking in their own home? And how big is my flat and how much ready meals I can prepared in my tiny little flat with my tiny little electric hob? There is on the news few years back, a couple making pancake at home for a well know supermarket chain. Two woman doing frozen baby food in their own kitchen at home. And a lady running a small group cookery class at her flat in London. I might still have a photo from bbc GOOD FOOD magazine showing the lady running her class in her kitchen. See! all this people's story do give me a lot inspirations and idea... Mei admirer them a lot... tomorrow I will post my landlord another letter, just hoping thing will...... I am not giving up yet!
It's a little bit low today, but after writing all this down, I am a lot better already! Ready for more... surprised! Ways to make it work....There is ways and plans that I think will help this idea-Ready Meals flouriest....
No 1 is a crazy idea, but I think it will boost the Company and I have mention many times to my Father in-law before about this plan - I really mean to give away something to a mentally health charity, because I am a nutter myself and I know how hopeless and the pain when we are ill, if I can do something and make some money from it and I did like to do it like lots other people do, and I really will give 100%! Of course, people will think I am nut! and up to something. Yes, I am! To stop me staying at home waiting for GOD! and doing nothing and if I can make this dream or idea work to make a job for myself and make some money too toward a charity and of course a wage to pay my bills, I would like to give away !00% gross/net profit! Yes, am I nut? No, its only for the first year... dumb dumb! Not sure about posting this blog, may be I should listen once again to my Father in-law.... "don't tell anyone about this ready meals plan, keep it quiet till I ready." may be I should but I just love to share anything with my space friends in here everytime when I have something good or sad. I do hope it didn't do any harm this time..... but I am a fighter...... am I? And one more thing-if I upset any your GOD, please forgive me, don't be like your dad-your GOD.... have a great day to all my space friends! Mei
PS:100%? Yes, why.... there is no one in this earth are worth to me..... family... hubby... daughter... do they worth? So, not worth after my life... then I like it to use on something I like to do... to find the killer.... haha! For this horrible illness! Understand me? And this blog been holding it for sometimes, not sure is a good idea to post such stuff, but I don't know why, I can't keep everything in mind anymore, and I want to see what my crazy thinking will give me this time! In my real life..... I always have something big and new changes happened in my life, I don't like stay still.... always something new and big pop out my life now and them, don't know its good or bad this time!
my 2 year 9 months Dell.....My 2 year and 9 months laptop are finish.... it just dead stop yesterday, the laptop's brain over load I think, hope it wont cost much to fixed, I will take to shop later to see...... everything wants your money when you don't have a job, better get the Big WOK out quick!
Went back the house last night..... I can't live in the flat with out my laptop, it will be like living in a cell!
And my plans for the Ready Meals are on the hold, why every time when you need something or someone, you always get something on your way! Have a good week to all my space friends! Mei is doing fine! what holding my dream....This Ready Meals idea..... its in my head nearly 10 years, it been put off because of a so call friend, it make me sick for over two years, after that... I have lost confidence for everything for a long time and another friend-diabetic had come in to my life, I feel very tired most the day, I can see the health is not as good as it used to be, and running this idea is a big thing even it look easy to me, I know there is alot of work and mind work involved, and me a really lazy person!
And I really hate cooking..... but this idea for the long run is to sort out my cooking problem.... hehe..... specially when I am old and no one can cook my Cantonese for me, my daughter won't do it..... so, I always wish and hope this crazy Ready Meals idea can make my worry free for the future! Also, most the dishes are suitable for the elderly - minced and soft, and delicious! And my first costumer in mind is myself.... for my pension age! hehe!!!!! What makes me hold back this dream.... my bipolar-its my first time I been told about this illness after 25 years suffer from it. Not sure its good or bad, in the past I am ok most the time, only something big from family always started my high and one of this so call orange friend had make my life a hell. Even now this Ready Meals idea is something to do with this orange friend and family, no one from family can give me a listening ear and I know its not truth to just blame them. I am doing it for this orange friend, yes, it is! But no.... its not truth...its not just that! I am not moving back to hubby in his dad's house and I mean it, even we are still call ourself hubby and wife but we are only like a friend now, and I am getting used to on my own, its lonely and sad sometime, but going back to that house is like a deep wells for me, I will never coming out again only deeper! If we can keep it this way and peaceful..... why not! But sometime I do feel sad for hubby.... he need to work come home cooking,cleaning, gardening, running round for the pain(daughter) and she is really a pain, not helping at all to keep things tidty and clean, but hubby said she did, I don't see it... the house are in a mess I hate to go there for dinner,,, but don't want to say no. Many times I said to hubby, you need merrymaids, I do it for you half price! he said " Why I pay if I can do it myself" See... no wonder I don't get pay a penny for all those year-17 years.... I hate him now.... I only realise I been a fool all those years. GOD! What make me started all this again in here, its not even fit in for the title!
Well, what make me holding this dream...... and now what make me start..... and why..... and the good for..... I leave that for later..... need a break! Help.......................Don't know what I done to my blog font, from "old dream i nearly give up" all the way down to all my old blog the font had changed.Can anyone help me sorted this mess out. Its all over every page, I only just wanted on one page! It look horrible! HELP................................. |
the trust will go to a name charity Mei Chosen. The Premise is for those who can and want to do something to support them self to help and work toward Mei's Ready Meals and get paid as well!!! Of course.... I need to pick the right people to do the job, its about food and hygiene, I need to be very fuss in that. One of my friend did mention about if I put mental health topic on the menu, will it put people off buying my meals? Well, I do think of that and Mei is not the only one have mentally ill working with food. But like I said before earlier I am very fuss on picking who, and it not be just for mentally ill people to work with the food, all food will be tested so if some have gone nut try to poison the food, he should be the first got it! 
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