We are fighting already... with the house! Me and my pain(daughter) are fighting already with the house! LOL... couldn't remember what bring up the subject other day, my pain are shouting loud: No, its my house not yours, and I shouted back: No, its not yours... even Grand-dad die the house is not yours, it will be daddy's and that means its my too... not yours... and my pain still fight back, she said: No, its not yours, its mine! You don't have the blood, I've their blood... Gosh! Where did she learn that from or heard that from, or who she been talking to... I wonder! Hubby didn't tell her off, just say shut up... he's doing the driving, we're going to see our dentists. I can tell my pain really don't like me moving back and don't blame her, I am the only one told her off in the house when she behave badly, and the same evening when we are having dinner her table manner are behaving unbelievable bad... and those two men didn't say a word, so as usual  I put my mouth in and she shouted back at me and I get fire up and hubby as usual tell me to zipped, and I am really getting cross, why can't he tell her off and zipped, I think when she is wrong we should give them a lesson... she like it or not she should zip and listen, not shouting back at me, hubby and FIL are spoiled  her too much, she now think she is the lady in the house, is it moving back a good idea? I really don't know...

 

Don't really want to blog about this crap in here, but who the hell care! Have a good day to all my space friends! Mei

 

Will life be easy...

                         right up the mountain top...

                                                                                                               just watching?

Why GOD make people different colour? If there is a GOD up the sky who makes people why he make so many colour? Or is it each colour have a different GOD? If he is so Good and Great and have special power..... why can't he make people all nice and kind to each others, why so many people are hurting each other? I just don't understand what you try to do GOD? I still think people are make from bacteria..... just like some food gone bad makes molds and they turn to many little living worms..... thats my little crazy mind thinking, sorry to all GOD's daughters and sons.

 

Well, lets get on with my moan..... I wrote a blog about my dad which I didn't really want to bring it up again.... i thought it might help to easy my mind, so I did and it did help me calm myself down a little, but when i visit some HK blog, and one is a very nice blog and he did a very good job every times, he had pics and nice old songs up every blog, it is very nice to visit him listen to old songs that I heard it when i was young, and only two or few days ago, he had one song and the story of that song is about a bird (lady) and a man, the man in the end lost his wallet.... I like that old song and I like the singer he's very funny, so I left a comment. But next time when I visit again, I notice a lady was commenting with some very rude words telling someone "PUK KAE" (means telling you sleep on the street) a Cantonese swear word, a really rude Cantonese word, not really nice come out from a lady, first I didn't take any notice at all, but then I notice the pics on the blog is her and I find out from their comments later, and i realise she is not really happy about my comment, because i said: " It makes me think of my dad!" and the story from the song have a lady and it wasn't a nice character in the story. But all i said is the song makes me think of my dad.  I don't mean the lady in the photo is my dad's young bird! I realise later the photo is a real lady-one of Uncle E's lady friend and she is the one tell me to PUK KAE! Ha.............. no need for that lady! WOW!!!!!!! and that come from a lady and she is a nurse!!!! WOW! And do you know why and how do I know she is pointing me, because my comment makes her feel she is like the young bird my dad had and the story from that song is like pointing at her. I really dont know the pics is a real photo of a person that Uncle Exxx put in his blog, his blogs always have pics and funny cartoon in it,. I also find out from the rest of their comments that I am the one she is calling me "PUK KAE"! Ta ma di..... I am swearing in here Cantonese of course... but to no one alright.... just to myself! haha....  excuse me friends! In the end i left another comment at Uncle E to explain there is nothing personal about her in the comment, the song just make me think of my dad that is all and I really don't know the pics is a lady that Uncle E know. And from my last comment I left yesterday, there was no response from the lady and Uncle E again and they suddenly gone all queit after me post back another comment to explain, so that is proof the PUK KAE is calling ME! Ha........... There is no need to tell me" PUK KAE and bugger off as far as i can run" LADY! And my blog are open for everyone, I know people are reading my story all over the www and talking about this nutter Mei. Some will hate me the gut and some will think i am a real nutter and some with a kind heart or a soft heart will fall in my story and cry for me, in this MSN space of blogland, I did make a few nice friends and people, some gave me a lots of encouragement which i am very grateful for and they did help me go through a lots of my hard times, I really don't know where will I be with out their supports and words, they work better than my medicine, it gives love and hope to carry on........ which sometimes family can't or they are scare of this kind of alien...... but i know they still love me.... even we had alot of fall out and row.... we're family, which mean ......  haha.....

 

With the new blog friends I make recently, first I am very grateful and happy to find a few that speak the same language as me and its very funny blogging with them, but i have been call insane from a boy and now a lady call me PUK KAE it really put  me off blogging with them and I did stop making comments on them for a while but i do visit and see if something interesting to read or songs to listen...... and look what have i done again..... see Mei.... you should bugger off as far as I can run...... just do as you told from that lovely lady, yuk!!! and look what you been call this time-PUK KAE!!!! What a lady...... WOW....

 

And last words I hate to be yellow skin and not just because the PUK KAE, i been scare of yellow since my dad's shop been robbed by 4 Chinese men back in the 80's!!!! Since that I hate yellow skin people, I feel very sicky and feel cold every times I pop in London's China town seeing all those men standing on the street chatting and smoking. We are same colour skin, and robbing their sisters and brothers (chinese call every one sister and brother it doesn't mean my own sis and bro in here) for quick money in a foreign country, I feel shame about being yellow and with all the latest news now and them from home, sometimes I don't know i should be proud of being a Chinese or want to turn to a transparent alien! May be copy Michael Jackson is another good idea to change your colour!

 

 

Keep asking myself: "How long I can carry on, is this call life!" It was daughter's prom night last night, I don't have any invite or mention anything what's going on, but just the night before I couldn't wait or pretend nothing going on, its like a wedding some people told me, so I give them a call said: "Can I come to see her off, hubby said of course, and ring me back half hour later to ask me to do her hair at my flat when I finish work. The hair was done and as normal I got myself stressed, who's fault.........? Ha, anyway, I told them I'm not going to see her off when they left, the attitude! I really too tired and her attitude are killing me, but I pushed myself to dress up abit and telling myself she is my daughter and people tell me its like a wedding on that first prom night , its a big thing, so I drove myself to g-dad's house, 6.05pm and she still haven't got dress, hubby said his sister are coming to help her dress. My fire are light up! no wonder no body mention a thing about me coming round to see her off or not, this Auntie Lyn are coming to do the job, that I think a mum should do. O! yes, this Auntie Lyn have earn her every penny, all those wild cloths and 4 inches heel shoes have bought my daughter's heart, she just bought her two more pairs for Christmas, and they not cheap! What I hate is seeing my daughter turning to a page three..... I know what girl are like these days, but my............!!! Why I so upset about this prom thing - I don't give a chance to shop for the dress that I love to get involed and I don't have the chance to see her off on the prom night, no idea she is coming to help her dress. I just could not stay and see this Auntie Lyn doing my job, I don't know what to do, stay or not? I get so cross in the end I decided to leave before the auntie Lyn turn up, I didn't see my daughter for the finish look. I know I am wrong to leave, but I just can't see myself watching her and my daughter........ my heart are getting too small with all this kind things crushing in me!

 

I am thinking to end our marriage, I been tried very hard to keep us together, but do they know how sad and painful it is to live with a hubby and daughter that wasn't living with you. Yes, most people will think the problem must be on me, I am mad...... haha! Yes, I am! I shouldn't fall in his trap 19 years ago!

The word "LOVE" can give you happiness and life! Also it hurts so many hearts, destroy family....

 

I really don't know where to go or what to do, and what is right or wrong, I been trying very hard to put up with this bloody mess! Yes, my own mess! Who else I can blame!

 

WHY LOVE HURTS?

I had this feeling today, whole morning I am thinking and planning moving back to Hong Kong to live and may be find a job, I dont feel love here anymore, i hate it when my daughter giving me hard time, we dont talk any more, it hurt when I think about daughter and mom, and I cry every times when I think about her, she is my daughter but now she is granddad's daughter more then me, i dont know we will end up like this, may be its not so bad if we dont live with him at all from the begining, i might still have my daughter on my side, I know I am bad temper sometimes, but i love my daughter so much, she is clever and beautiful, its my baby and now she is gone, I know its not all their fault and I am quilty too.

 

I am old now I don't really mind what sort of job I am doing, might working with the same company again that I am working now in UK, doing domestic cleaning, they have Franchise in HK. 20 years ago I had done it before holiday working in HK on my own. I love it and i make a few friends there. I lost all the friends now because my illness 9 years ago, very miss them, I hope they didn't move, I still have all there letter and address, just feel shame to contact them. I never mention my illness to my friend in HK, I did to my UK friends, dont know why? my HK friends dont know about my depression, I did told one of my HK friend, she didn't say anything or a word after I told her, dont know what she think, but I feel bad about it. Wish I didn't told her!

 

Well, I think I am make up mY mind, it wont be the summer, its too hot! Its a lot to think and plan, hope it come true, its another dream, this may work! I will rent out the flat in UK and find a room or flat in HK, lets have a new start, hubby wont like it I know but his dad are important then me, what can he say, I am not looking for another man, don't want anymore headache! But who know the future! He make this mess not me, I have give him lots of solutions, may be this move back HK will give him some lessons. He's happy with his dad and our daughter, and I am on my own feeling lonely most day! He loves me I know and I love him too, but I can't live like this for the rest of my life! I want to left my pain behind and forgot about it, the only way to do that is move away from this pain!

 

 

Well, as I'm trying back to have some more sleep before I go to work later, the job was cancel yesterday due to heavy snow. And I know there is no hope to nod off again no matter how hard i tried, but it will be nice if i have my laptop with me on the bed, so i might nod it off again, and that's why my hubby bought me a router for my birthday last summer, we all have a go with the router trying connect it to my laptop, but it just won't work, so I email my little brother for help, i think it won't take much of his time to do it, he is a computer programmer, really good and clever, but very grumpy little brother. I have mention a lot of him in my early post, and i told him about my blog, he had some read but he stop reading it no more, don't blame him! We live only 10 mins walk apart, but we hardly see each other, three time last year? I did visit his wife and the little daughter but I stop now, they hardly visit us at all in the house or my flat, the only time they call you is when they need my father in-law or hubby's help, sometimes I wonder have he got any feeling about love? What is love? I know may be he still love us as sisters or brothers but I just don't understand about his feeling of love, he change he used to be a nice kind and caring sort of softy little brother with just some bad temper like me  i thought he have feeling of love in heart! Yes, you love your own family, your wife, you son, daughter, but is there no room for the other not even a phone call, or a visit, he is the only clever one from the family, got good education and good job, a wealth wife. But is that mean you need to cut off from your own family, I am sorry to put all this in here, but I been holding it for to long, and today its not your lucky day, I still not sure its right or wrong to put it here, but i don't care, and it's my way to get my self out of the blue. And as you said you won't read my blog anymore, so what i write in here, its not matter to you, anyway, but i really do wish you will read it one day or future. I don't put name, but family will know what i talking about. This is just my feeling, anyone can comment or fight me back, I hate go round face to face, i like this way of communicate-putting things down with words, no vow!

 

So here it go, I know my friends! I'm hot! It's part of my bipolar, i need to vent. Been keep quite too long, all this stuff i post in here is only came up suddenly just before i try to have more rest on my bed, i thought it would be nice if my laptop are with me, so i though i will email my little grumpy brother for help, and i did this blog instead. Well, saw him at my sister's Christmas party he did ask about my router, i told him got it refund, he said he'll find a day to pop over to put his old one in for me, I said ok, but he never did, I don't want to ask him again, if he really care he will find time to do it, I am waiting, its nice if he have a spare one and put it in for me, save me some money, money is not the point, it's the heart, I feel hurt, it may be me got it wrong, should not got his wife in to it, this will be in the next post. Last summer when i email him for help, I ended up lost my marble, because i got so upset that he never turn up or have time, and again and again, not showing any helpful response and said how big is my flat, that you need a router, yes, i reply to him, I've everything and the router i hope it will help me nodding off again after i been to the loo one or twice a night, it do help me go back to sleep to have my laptop with me, I will easily get tired reading my blog, that's why i like a router, if i stay in the sitting room it will keep me awake even if i am very tired, once i go back to bed with out laptop, I find hard to sleep again, I've router at father in-law's. My hubby think it's a good idea as my birthday present for me, now it return, birthday present gone as well.  never mind! Well, this is not the end yet, more to come later. I should not put all this in here but its a true story, maybe i am wrong to get it out, but I don't care. Hate me! Get me! I know this is a big trouble for me if they read it, I just want some one to learn a lesson. Money is not everything!!! to be continue....

 

 

Sorry little brother, I don't mean to, but I want to. You make me. Sorry!

 

Hubby take me out for a Sunday dim sum this afternoon, daughter coming as well! I thought she want to stay in bed until sunset.  Anyway, we did have a peaceful time for once, we went shopping together and bought her a pair of jean. Gosh! She try 7 pair and still don't know which one she want and every things I say always "mum" this "mum" that, While she's trying for more jeans, I said to hubby: " Let her have a boy friend quick! He can take over the shopping!"

Feel very depressed after last week's Sunday dinner, its my first time went back to the house for dinner since I move out last Christmas, hubby did asked me to go back for a meal a few times. I had a hard time with my daughter as usual, I just got a website from my brother and want to use the PC to have a quick look, when my daughter came round my place, my laptop are her all evening, I just want a few minute there is harder than rob a bank, just before I losing my temper, she shouted at me..... "This is not your house" I did ignored her and finish my dinner and have a few minute on the PC and and went back to my place, I was unhappy and lonely, feel very lonely, I have a loving husband and a lovely daughter, I never thought we will live like this. Hubby did mention it many times to go back. And I did thinking about it a few times, but it just don't feel comfortable and I feel depressed when I see the state of the place and it scare me off to go back, it'll take me years to get the place back to my standard.  I know I am too early to say this, I am very tired now with my ages  or may be its my medications.

 

My mood did lift up a bit after talking to hubby and friends at the nursery, talking do help but not from my side family, no news is good news! Some said. I asked hubby: "All the solutions I suggested to you before, one or two could be work, did you read and think about them or find a solution yourself. I can't keep on like this, you can but not me, if I haven't got a husband and I don't know you and don't have a daughter, I might be ok live on my own, but I have you and our daughter, you two wanted to stay with G-dad more than me. It's insult!" I know I move out myself, but I have put up with a scruffy father in-law and his scruffy son for 17 years, I'm not perfect but the years I spend all those times with them I really don't know how I managed. I hate scruffy and dirty stuff, most my friends and my sisters and brothers don't know how I cope with their scruffy and now looks like I have 3 in that house, I really depressed every time when I go back. Its hard for me to keep them all clean, I haven't got any more battery left!

 

Did think about moving away somewhere far away from people and family! Especially family, they hurt you more than love, I know they love me too inside and I love them too! Family love! They could hurt you really really deep, thats why we call it family! Yes, and thats why god give us family, his pain!

 

 

Feeling very low today, lots tears, finished the application form, try to get it post, but I lock myself in the flat doing washing ironing all afternoon, I know I should get out to sort few things down town, but I just lost the will, all day thinking how I go to cope if I don't feel well, will I fit enough to do the job, and the worst bit is how long I GOT to put up with this life style, I know I can't blame anyone, its my own choice, but what hubby did and do between his dad and me have push me down the black hole, I know its hard for hubby to pick between his dad and me but let me on my own is the best he can do! Take me out for a walk with my dog one or twice a week is very lucky and come round to stay for a night once a week is pot luck, if daughter got friend round for sleep over then his sleep over will cancel. So that's my life I choose for myself what can I say! I'm not happy but what can I do, is he love me? Sometime I think he is, but not so sure now, he said I may be better with out him. He had said that few times before since 27/12 and he said it again tonight, I was feeling so sad I couldn't stop crying, I wasn't talking when we having dinner, he help drying the dish, after that I began my moaning, do you think I'm happy living like this, did you care? Course I care! he said, and what about me? he asked, what about how I feel! I said: You at least not on you own, you got your dad and daughter with you, I've nothing, I've a husband and a daughter, but G-dad steal it all. You keep saying love me but you want your dad more than me what sort of love is this. I've try very hard to think of some solutions to save our family, more than two or three may work, but you never take it seriously, and go through it with me or the whole family, you just dragged day by day! You won't try to change a thing, you can carry on to live like this, you're not on your own, so you don't care how I really feel. But one day when our daughter have her wings, she will leave her nest, and your dad gone to heaven(I just kind). You'll be on your own. I won't come back, You damp me for your dad, do you think I'll forgot and forgive. I hope you will sort some thing out soon, I really don't know how long I can put up with this life style, if you don't try to change, that may be its better with out you, its hard because I love you! Yeak! I hate to say that, its fake! :-) Why you keep saying "you are better with out me!" or you mean the other way round? It hurts every time you said that. He didn't stay for sleep over.

 

Sorry my blog friends, I don't know how I end up to here, I think that's enough for tonight, I'm very tired now, got to say night night! Lots mistake, I'll tidy up tomorrow, sorry for the mess!

 

Thank you Marge, Michiko, Happy Billy and Dusty, thank you for all your visits and kind comments, been a low day today, hope tomorrow is a happy one. Thinking of you all my friends. Mei

 

 

Been to the relate counselling with hubby, it's a waste of time and money, the old gentleman that we seen is a crap, useless and unhelpful old cow!!! O! Sorry to said that Sir. It's only 5 mins we're in there with him trying to get our story out, he already trying to get us out saying I don't want to know this or hear that, we don't have magical solutions in here, we don't tell people who is right or wrong, you should do this or that. For heaven sake! We go there is thinking the relate is specialising in relationships for more than 50 years, thats what they said in the leaflet, is the nation's leading training and education agency, they offer couple counselling, divorce/separation counselling etc.... With their experiences I thought they will offer some kind of help or advice, or at least a listening ear or support, but no, he just keep telling us we don't do this or that and i don't need to know or hear the story. The session is for 50 mins but he keep telling us nothing he can do, so in the end we have nothing to say finish the session for just over half hour, what a wipe off!!!!!!

 

And thank you again to all my friends, for all your visit and comments, I'm dragging along with life, sharing my love with someone that you all know.....

Last two days is my best days i have had or feel for ages! Tuesday I got appointment to see my social worker in the afternoon, so I try again to find out does my hubby want to see him with me or not, because he did mention it before he would like to see him a while ago but did not got round to it. I been really upset and angry with him for few days and send him some emails calling him name, but I do like him to come so I give him a call in the morning to see if he still like to see my social worker or not, he said will, and he told me his dad is in hospital to get his pacemaker recharge. My social worker suggested that we should try the relate, actually I did booked an appointment on Monday, but in the end I got too upset and i cancel it myself, it's no point if he can't live with out his dad and i don't want to go back, its just waste more money. But hubby told the social worker and me he is willing to paid and try to see the relate, Wow, may be there is hope...... let's "Waiting for god" to look after us, ha ha!

 

Don't know If it's because his dad are not at home, he actually spend a lot of time with me last few days, but I do hope all those emails i sent him make some sense to him.

Why some people are so sick some times, they think what they call the love is real and is for your own benefit, can't they think of the other way round, if they are  treat it the way that they did to me, as wife or daughter in-law, how would they feel and cope or do. I just really hope they can have a good think on that.

 

I wonder as any good parents who would like to watch or see their children suffer or make them suffer the way that my father in-law did to me and my hubby, OK, if that's how my hubby want to do between him and me, I think (and most my friends) as a good father, a lots of the other as well, will not like to see their children suffer the way we are now, a good father will look at the son and his wife and the g-daughter's future and happiness as his first priority, to tell the son what he do is right or wrong, i think that is a good father should do, and not just being scare or selfish to grab hold of his own life and tear the son's family apart. To me that father in-law is just selfish, very selfish and he have no love at all for his son, he just want all love to himself. And don't blame my bipolar g-dad, if this is the case, you and me won't last together for 17 years this long, i know my bipolar and i have bipolar, and as i know i have and know how to cope, that is half way to fight it, and I'm proud of myself for that, I'm not shame or shy about it anymore, ha, i call it "I love my bipolar, it sparks!" believe it......

 

To all my dear friends, thank you so much for your lovely comments, they're my only life i got left now to keep me going, i have lost hope on the people i love so much, may be its my friend BIPOLAR getting in the way between us, or he is just a daddy's little boy who never want to grow up, which ever its killing me, the stone in my heart is getting bigger and bigger, don't know how long i can keep myself standing up right! Thank you again for all your kind comments my friends! Mei

An email to hubby I don't really want to sent to him or in here, but who care! Hope it easy my pain!

 

"Thank you for all your love in the past hubby, i'm not really sure how much? What you been treating me in this difficult time of my life has show me your love what it means to me, i really thought you are. I can see on the times that who you want to spend with and how often that you're willing to be with me. From just looking at that, it keep me wondering on my mind, did you fxxking love me at all, or just used me as you people's slave and free chic at night and plus those luxury items i put in your house, don't lie to me or yourself, just tell me the fxxking true and them i will piss off from your life!
 
Only just a short while ago, i rang you to get our daughter yourself instead g-dad from school and drop her off to my flat to pick up her sticky rice,  but you said you still not too well with your tummy, so i belived you, the reason to ask you pick daughter is i still love you and miss you and you are not too well, fine, you rather stay with your dad again and you need his motherly love, i'm your fucking wife. You fucking cow! Is it you hate my flat too, if you can't drive, you dear daddy won't mind to drop you off to me, you're not that fucking sick, you're well enough to GO watch daughter swim, but not fit to pop round my place, all this time you're off work (6 weeks) after the OP, you're with your dad most the time, I can count how many mins you're with me, is it right to treat wife like you did to me, just tell me the true! Stop me dreaming the HOPE! It must be something wrong with me or the flat, or you? It's you that have a problem- a bird never can fly to leave the nest. From all this LITTLE things you did to me lately, anybody can see how much love you're giving me. It's only me are blind all this long!!!!"

Very low today! Life with hubby is doing ok, I thought, we are living like a mistress to each other on some sort, he came to my place one night a week gone early in the morning back to his dad's lap, he can't even stay longer than 2 hours with me in the flat, always want to go home to his dad, I really do feel he's in love with his dad more than me, he like to spend more time with his dad rather then me, they all got each other's love and hug, and just leave me alone on my own and they keep saying that they care and love me very much, they call this care and love, come over my place to finish what he want and rush back to his dad, even when the daughter are at school, he always have excuse for rush back. And now is our daughter have problem toward me hubby said: "she hate  my flat" love g-dad's house because it have a nice garden, she use that for not wanting to move in the flat with me and dad. Its only just for temporarily, I have no idea why she hate me and my flat this much, and today is mother's day, i know i won't expect anything from her, but i thought may be her dad will remind her to do something or even just a card, so, i'm still hoping, but nothing, i just passing by earlier, so i popped in for some thing i keep forgot to take, my shoe polish! haha, she can hear me is in the house, but didn't come out to see me or give me a hug to say happy mother day, usually I will find her and said hello or hi, but never mind, i really should give it all up now, i have lost everything and its my own fault, they're blame it all on me, its me that i want to be on my own, and now i should enjoy it, haha, yes, its my dream and it come true.

 

It really don't work, I had try everything that i can think of to save our marriage, all i got in the end is to find out that i was been use for all those years, and now I feel like a free chic in my own home. I don't fxxking care who read my blog or not now, this is me, the real me, and my life are full of shit!!!! But I'll cope. I won't give up easy. It's Mei, ha ha!

 

 

Had a pleasant walk on Sunday with hubby, no arguing or shouting, we both think it's still too early for me to go back, I don't really want to go back I told hubby, G-dad is my main worry now, I don't know what he will do next, I really scare! I miss my daughter and my dog, really much!