When you're down... things always come in three... I only realise that are really happening... only heard that from hubby few years ago...

 

Job, pain in the neck, and now my xxxxxx boiler! I really hope its just three! Thank you GOD... you really are kind to me, first you gifted me my bipolar, and now you're punish me... I think you are, small heart... remember? If there is a GOD up somewhere, then he is punishing me, all this pain I need to put up with is still not enough and you need to give me more, you are really small heart... GOD!

 

I am very sorry to all my GOD friend's friends, I do have some crazy time believing God and Jesus, and actually my G-ma and Dad are Buddhism and I don't believe any, but when I was 24 my 2rd big crack are showing up and before I went to the nut house in HK during my holiday, I was talking crazy things to my little brother, I wake him up late at night telling him Jesus is up there, it's real, I can remember the look on his face, he was disappointed, it was our holiday and I gone mad! They all disappointed I spoiled our holiday, but to proof I was right to my family, I start screaming because nobody believe me and I want to break things  to make them believe there is Jesus up there, I want to pick up a big vase, try to hit the TV but they stopped me, I managed hit the 2 ft vase on the floor, and I ended up in the police station for the night and lock up in the mad house for the rest of my holiday, the doctor let me out few day before the end of my three week holiday, and i was supposed coming back for a school friend's wedding, and I never had chance to see her or went to her wedding, my dad won't even let us go anywhere without him and he treat us like a 3 years old, he don't remember i was sent back HK before for my first holiday with a friend and his new wife, I am on my own most the time, I was 17-18 then and with my first depression. Wow! that is something... and I have a few more holiday back home on my own and with family, thank GOD no visiting the nut house, still had that worry too, sometime! Don't think I can do that anymore, on my own!!! 

 

God... where am I? Did it again! just want to correct something end up adding a book in the middle! Yes, the GOD stuff... I had that God and Jesus in my mind for ages, and I bought myself a cross necklace when I got back to UK, I bet my dad bought me one while I am in the nut house, but he never did, all I want is just for some comfort because i am believing at that time, but the cross never work and I did went to church manytime with different people but I never feel any thing in there, and I still go now and them if friends ask, just to socialise. But because no matter who I believe or not, I am still had this big devil visit me, so from my last relapse, I change... 9 years ago, I had a very bad one with my bipolar, he nearly finish me off, during that periods I don't know who is up there I can ask for help, when I look out the bedroom window, I ask the big tree give me a node if there is GOD up there, or stop waving the leaves right now if I am right, so I said: "Jesus or Chinese God?" sometime they do look like talking to you, but I still don't know or I stop believing any now, I think be kind and honest don't do things to hurt people is enough, and last, any of my writing, is a big hot to read for some people... and I am sorry if they make you uncomfortable, and that included any family member if you read - my past and new post!

 

My space my writing is my way to get me out of my hole that GOD dump me in to......... hope you all understand!

 

                                                              

 

 

 

 

 

 

My 2 year and 9 months laptop are finish.... it just dead stop yesterday, the laptop's brain over load I think, hope it wont cost much to fixed, I will take to shop later to see...... everything wants your money when you don't have a job, better get the Big WOK out quick!

 

Went back the house last night..... I can't live in the flat with out my laptop, it will be like living in a cell!  And my plans for the Ready Meals are on the hold, why every time when you need something or someone, you always get something on your way!

 

Have a good week to all my space friends! Mei is doing fine!

Been a busy day today, trying to get my menu finish to show the planning office for permission to work from home, 12 years ago I was running a small catering business from home, I was living in father in-law's house at the time, got this idea from a friend, she know somebody is doing the same thing - cooking at home in her own kitchen delivered to people's house, I said to this friend, "O, no you make me itch now!" This is something I really like to do and I don't fancy open a take away, I come out from there. But I do love to have a go like working from home and earn a little pocket money! So I started " Mei's Oriental Cuisine delivery service" at home-in my father in-law's house, I only open Friday and Saturday evening  6pm-9pm, its not a shop, customers come from friends and words of mouths..... and I did two Exhibitions to promote the business. After the Exhibitions the phone was ringing non stop and order are pulling in, 3 hours in an evening how much I can cook, most the orders are booked in advance, but some just ring up with out notice, did turn down a few, I was exhausted for a few weeks right after the exhibit ins. And because of family issue and I was exhausted after the exhibitions my mum just pass away and my dad got a young bird(lady) back in China, and I have a very bad flu, and the phone ranging non stop, So I said no more..... I QUIT.... 15 months business I built up....... gone!

 

One year later, after a long break -2000, I want to start again with my dream- Mei's ready meals the idea are so good even father in-law told me to keep quiet, and who know me? I told the whole idea to a friend, see story "Friend 1-5" because this friendship, I made myself poorly again, which take me 2 years to get back on my feet, but it makes me know more about my illness, its first time I been told I am bipolar! But they have give me a lots of information and course about the illness, which I found it very useful and its over 7 years now, I am still fighting but I don't need to see the doctor or back to hospital for a break!  but its not my lucky No the 7, I need to be careful with this, and I hope this time my business won't makes ill again, so GOD help me! hehe..... give me strength......... and good news from the planning office, I got through that again and now just the developer I need their consent to work from home, the staffs at the office said don't think it have any problem and they couldn't wait for a free sample meals to be delivered...... I couldn't wait too!  I will get there...... 

 

My menu are nearly finish, just need some Grammar check and may be I can post it here to see what my friends think, Good idea or not?

Started the new job a weeks now, it's not busy at all until yesterday, all the pupils are back yesterday, nearly 1,500 of them, the building are very old and they're building are new school, dont know when it will finish, looks will be a long wait.....

 

Been thinking about to quit, its too long hours for my age! Actually its not to bad, I thought i will fall asleep when I have my break, I think its the work when you got some thing to do, your head don't feel that sleepy or just the whole thing still new to me, I am not bore yet! Well, actually I am very bore with this new job, everyone is so young working with me, you know what the young like, they've their own mind and world, and I am very bore person in beginning if you dont chat me up first, I am very shy at new people but if you're a chatter box and I find you easy to talk, you wont find me boring....  the first 3 hours at the moment I am working with two young lady, and after school are closed I am on my own cleaning the whole block, this Monday are not to bad just two cookery classroom to clean and its not use yet! I still need wipe everything again and the floor, yesterday its different story, I been told to clean the Block all by myself..... and it nearly kill me..... moving all those chairs and hovering all rooms and wiping tables..... I am very fussy when I do things at work, I get paid and I like to do a good job specially first job on my own, well, I wish I am like that at my own home, hope I get pay to clean my home then I can have a nice clean home too my dream home!  Anyway, I cleaned 7 class rooms two staff rooms and a long corridor, the first two class room take me an hour, and I know I am a bit behind my time only have 3 hours to do all those room, but a colleague come in told me don't do it too properly just do spot clean, otherwise you wont finish in time, but I still hate to see the place half done, in the end I did just maneage to finish in time... 3 hours all those rooms by myself, and the others finish half hour before me just chatting in the corner, I wish they can help me move some chairs or something..... I think I miss my mate at the last job, we help each other and we're more mature....  looks like i need job hunting again or start.... my dream.....run my own business again- Mei's Cuisine ready meals deliver to your door.... am I too old or to ill? Is it my bipolar visiting?  and I talking I hate cooking.....

 

 

 

 

I was so please for myself yesterday, driving to Devon visit a friend. WOW! That is a big thing for my life.... didn't think I can drive anywhere out side my home town really far anymore. But I did it yesterday.... with a friend's help, she sit next to me and I got my hubby's sav nav. But still, it is something to WOW about.... :-) next time will be do it on my own, I need to make it.... everything is possible....

On Wendesday we had another trip for the volunteers, the weather is a bit grey at first, but its quite nice in the end. Dont know we are in the big big sea and end it up to the Wareham river! It's something I never seen and I told hubby about the river, he said he know about it and he had friends live near there. I said: "You never take me there!" So, dont marry any man until you had been show round the world. LOL..........

Yesterday was my Birthday, we all went out for a Dim Sum Lunch, after lunch we all go shopping again, first, nobody are keen on the idea, I said just window shopping....... but in the end, hubby bought another waterproof jacket, daughter want me to buy her a white leather purse, seems she behave quite well yesterday, I put £12 toward it, in the end she is still my daughter, you know! Well, if my old lady find out, I will get told off.....  and I bought another blouse, dont want to tell you the price! We got home about 4 something, hubby drop me back to the flat for me to have a nap and ask me pop over, I said: "what for and I told you I dont want any cake!" and he said: "not even my banana cake!" I said: "OK then!" but I was so tired, I over sleep, it was 9.30pm when I wake up, and when I rang hubby he said: "I haven't make the cake yet!" he sat down and the chair got glue to his butt! Anyway, its been a great day out today! Hope all my space friends had a good day too! Mei

I was still moaning and crying when hubby rang me yesterday morning before he take daughter to the ski club. My tears just pouring down, he suggested me come with them, not really want to go and dont like people see my red eye down the club, but I did go in the end otherwise I will be all day again home alone in the flat soaking, well, not sure is good idea or not, I need to return some clothes to the shop which i bought two weeks ago for my daughter and I end up Big Bleeding again(spend too much)! :-( O! Well, I only shop twice year for clothes, didn't do much for year and half, so I spoiled myself yesterday, bought myself a blouse its not cheap! Just one blouse and a jogging pants for £5 thats all! O and another top for daughter! :-) Would like daughter come too, but she is in grumpy mood, they all went home for lunch. I shop alone, I enjoy on my own when I want to do some serious shopping! Have a lovely Chocolate Gateau and a cup of coffee to spoiled myself halfway! And I bought myself a mini rice cooker that I've been looking for years, its so cute and its reduced from £49.99 to £29.99, I already asked my little sis to shop one for me in HK, this one I bought is so cute and the price is not too bad, might be cheaper than HK and I wont know what she will pick, so this is the one! I will find her and tell her forget the rice cooker, get me something yummy instead! Yummmy.............

What is wrong with my life? Why people keep pouring petrol on me, did I start all this? And life never stop treating me well. First it was my brother two weeks ago, and last week a blog friend from HK call me "Old man" and "insane" so and so.... and Now today......

 

My 95 years old lady had make me cross as well today, I dont know its my bipolar or this GOD things are giving me lesson, they're punish me because I don't believe their GOD! So, I need to bend down my knee to ask forgiveness if I want to live, right! I tell you GOD, even their is one, I rather die, I done nothing wrong, and you treated me this well, you should punish not me!

 

Well, lets get on with today story. Went to my favourite old lady today, its 3 hours laundry and domestic cleaning, its 2 bedroom flat, not hard to do and she love talking and most the time I will stay for awhile to chat if I don't have another job after her. Last week I told her about my new job, and she is a bit upset, but she said: I can come Saturday morning instead. I reply: Yes, I can do that. Dont really understand why she is so upset if I am still working for her. She said to me today: its the money, you want more money, I said no its not the money, and Yes, it is the money, I been looking for more hours so I can have more money to pay the mortgage for a 2 bed flat. and its not just the money, the two job i have now is not enough hours, the new job is 6 hrs a day 5 days a week, it is double what i got now, and my heel spur are not giving me problem, the insole seems to work. Thank GOD! Also, it get me out from my flat, and show myself that I am useful and I am proud to find this new job, a lot of people are still out of work, and I am very lucky. I really hate it when she keep telling me all I want just money and rise her voice saying: if you have no money why you spend that much amount of money on clothes for your daughter two weeks ago, I begin upset and I rise my voice now and in tears, what is matter with this old lady today, well, of course i understand she is upset about me leaving, but she can still have me on Saturday. anyway, I rise my voice and in tears, I said: for nearly two years or more I haven't bought her any clothes, I went shopping with my sister in-law two weeks ago, clothes are so cheap and I end up spend around £50 on clothes just for her, and the old lady think its a lot and yell at me: you said no money and looking for more work for more money, and you spend that much money to your daughter, and you dont like her. my tears are running down and I start to shout now I said: she is still my daughter, and she haven't got much clothes I still love her, even she hate me and I hate her. She is my daughter. Then she said what about her g-dad and daddy, they can buy her clothes, I told them they spend all on hobbies and daddy dont earn a lot, he only a tool maker work for MOD.

 

Well, its another one of those day again, things start with just a little thing and end up like end of the world, I dont want to keep on, I told her I quilt, and you can sack me, she said no, you know i like you, i hate to see you go, i said we can't carry on like this now, if we are like that every time it kill me. Her heart have no problem, my have too many holes. I ask her what is wrong with you today, and she blame me? Its you, not me, its your depression, I can see you're not well when you just come in the door, I cry again, I said: yes, you're right, its been a week in hell! I told her roughly what happen: I want to tell you about it but we got this all upset and I haven't got chance. Then she start again, she yell and said you have money to own a computer and money for this and that so and so.... Gosh, what is she up to now, I am a cleaner, a cleaner not allow to have a car a cleaner not allow to own a computer and a cleaner not allow to have mortage or own a home, so I told her before I was a cleaner i work as a cook in take away and resturant from 16 till 41 of age and I am a landlord for 17 years until I move out from my in-law 19 months ago, I told her I can't stand anymore, I am quilt! I nearly want to get my thing and leave, who is paying you she shout! I said: yes, you, but that does not mean you can kill me. She said: she only worry about my new job, its too long for me you will ill, I said thats good that is what i want, dont like to live to long, I dont want to live to 100 and I nearly say I am not greedy like you, i hold it i know she will yell at me again if I do. She told me off and said: dont be silly, Well, in the end we make up, she hug me and say sorry, kiss me both check to say good by, see me next week. I will see what happen after next week, I hate to see another day like today happen again. She has temper like my Father In-law. I am a bit worry now to stay on or not. OLD........ is a headache. I wont let myself reach ....100! hehe.... I rather go to Switzerland and get myself sorted!  Is it me or is it my bipolar....... or just one of those lucky day! May be its GOD, its him giving me some colour because I don't believe him............. then I definitely hate him. I think its just my luck. Its my lucky week! LOL........

Have a good day at the flower nursery today, not many of us are there today, some sent to run a stall to sell flower and plants. But i have a good talk with the staffs and like mind people (insane shall we call our self?) haha... Anyway, it was a good laugh today down the nursery, and a good laugh in space with some of my new friends from HK, I thought I had mess up with this new friends I make from HK few weeks ago, I really hope it didn't change anything to our friendship, and I am still keep trying my best to forgive and forget, but is there hope? I have find this is not a easy task to do, easy to say! Can any of you can do that-forgive and forget to who had call you "old man and insane" and I know the reason why... he know its bad on what he had done to his own space, so deleted is the only quick step he can do, but as I return to him and said: "that will only make you small boy, and I do copy my comments sometimes..... haha!" after that! Never heard a word from this great soul..... and that is another proof..... so far I still need to say sorry, it is start from just a little mistake I make from the beginning but there is noway he should call me name. GOD, my anger still there! See, forgive and forget... not easy! 

 

So far, it's not a bad day, I am alright and I am coping well, time will tell, his is the best medicine...... Time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am feeling bad today......! :-) Why people are so cold sometimes, been call "old man" "you are insane" "go take serious to the life of yours"! All started from me by just asking him: "Got any photos!" dog photos I mean! He's writing about a dog in his blog, and I am a dog lover, misunderstanding maybe, but I'm not so sure now. I follow his directions looking for that dog photos, and I said: "you play me up, I wore out now!" forward and backward in his photo album. Couldn't find any dog photos, then I realise he is thinking something else, but I did left a comment when I am going through his Chinese Landscape photos, saying: "There is no dog in your photos!" So he should know what's "Got any photos!" means and I don't mean his photo. I told him: "I am old enough to be your grandma!" I did go forward and backward again to explained and say sorry for the misunderstanding, in the end he still dont see the joke that's in my comments, he call me "old man" "you're in insane!" and teach me to live my life so and so..... I forward and backward again, but this time I lost my temper! I return him some colour, just couldn't hold anymore, I told him: " I am old enough to be your Grandma!" and "deleted some of my comments only shows you small." I said in the end: "It's FUN knowing you and I am not sure to keep you on my friends lists or not, but I will leave it to you, its your game. Good bye my friend!"

 

I am not saying sorry to this friend anymore, in the end he never say sorry to me, and I didn't call him any name, all the time I only use "son" or "O boy" I am just trying to make him see the funny side! He seems don't understand anything I said, may be its my English, so poor! not as good as him. And putting things down in here, is my way to move my rock off my chest!!! This is my venting blog, to help me stay alive, I love my life, and I am trying very hard to stay alive, I know I did some silly thing in the past, but are they my fault, what will you be like or do if you are lucky enough to be me! LOL..... well, I mean to be a bipolar! Think......my boy.... and moan about me if there is anywhere I did hurt you, like you did to me. "old man" "you are insane" and tell me "go take serious to the life of yours!" Yes, she mad again! fa di chow (run run)!

 

 

I just couldn't hold my mouth..... I should hold my secret a bit more time before i tell people about my new job. But I just so happy I want to share with everybody, I told my workmate and my supervisor about my new job yesterday, and I been trying hard to keep my mouth zip but in the end I told my 95 years old lady today and I nearly kill her! Its a joke hehe! My poor lady, she was so upset that i am leaving her, then she said may be I can work for her on Saturday, I told her my boss said to me before they dont work on weekend, I can work for you on Saturday, but that will be a private work, my boss wont like it if she finds out, then she said: you and I keep our mouth zipped no body know. Still dont like the idea, but its good for her and me if we do it this way, I told her: you should be smiling not soaking, you are saving money, you dont need to paid me the same as you pay my boss and I can get a little bit more pay then working with her. But I am still have worry about this. Anyway, had a very good chatter with her, hope she can find out what she go to do in the end after talking to her son, I hate leaving her upset because of me, she very hate to see me go, and i feel sad too to see her worry about herself if she need to dealing with another new lady, I understand why she is worry specially at her age. She is so upset she said to me: its the money you want from the new job. I said: yes, the money, and no, not just the money, i want more hours and i am proud that i had find myself a 30 hours job, and i like to have a little mortgage for a 2 bed flat or house, i am not going back to my father in-law's, she know all about my PAIN! So I said: It's not just about money, I like my job and i just start to mix in with people like you and from the other job, but there isn't enough hours for me with this two old job I have now, I am very lucky to find this new job, many people still without work. I said: I need this job to help me move on and I am very proud to find this one, its the sort of job i been looking from the beginning, wish its the school that my daughter go, its just opposite my flat, this new job takes me 15 mins to drive there, may take longer..... I quite enjoy driving now, when I still living with hubby, everywhere we go when he is in my car he drive, and i don't mind, I had a free driver, so I am scare to drive anywhere far on my own, but now I am on my own I have no free driver, I need to do it myself and my confidence are back. I love it!

 

The old lady is a very smart lady and she is fun to work with, I will miss her if i got to leave. I hate seeing her sad and worry about who is next, she have some bad experience with other girls before. And she said: I am the best! Big head..... hehe!

Been a busy day today, a friend rang me early this morning invite me pop over for a Chinese style lunch after work, Rice Porridge, Prawn dumping, pan fried pork dumping, Buns and Buns....... everything homemade, she love cooking, I love her so-ya sauce chicken and her roast duck, and Cantonese roast pork, I can cook too but I am a lazy cook now, another few more years time, this lazy cook will turn to another Bun... a lazy Bun! :-(

 

Did some gardening work in the flower nursery this morning not many people there today very quiet! Leave half hour early rush back home for change and pop over to  friend's for lunch, had a good talk with her family, it was 8 there today, she cooked for over 70 people before, she do a money raise party every year to remember her daughter, she die from cancer when she's only 13, she asked mum to do a little party to raise money for cancer research. I go nearly every year to that party, 13 years now I know this friend from my English lesson. She had help me lots up and down too! 

 

After lunch I went to a job interview, its a cleaning job at a very old school, the school had over few hundreds year history, and is still under construction for a new school. I am looking for a partime job which can give me around 20 hrs a week, this job offer 6 hrs a day 5 days a week, its over what i looking for, but i am willing to try, the school manager was so kind and told me he was a cook too for 35 years and he is still cooking now for the school, he is doing all rounder in the school, in the end he asked me when can i start, i said i need two week notice, and he told me its better start when the new term begin in September, start giving notice to my boss two week before the new term.. Yes, I pass again! :-)))))))))))))))))))))))

Saturday night's drama at brother's....... had gave me a big help....... to hell! I feel dead to everything, especially family, maybe my life are make up of hate, GOD have make me up from hate, all my close family not a single one are not in this hate list, I hate myself too to say things like that in my own blog, but i need to vent. I am full of hate! What my father in-law did and my hubby, my daughter, my own dad and now my own brother and I only been told about this two day ago, which he did keep it quiet for 9 years and all this time I thought only just dad had said those things, but there was one more that broke my heart. Are they human? Do they got heart in side them? And, why human are full of hate? Does anyone can escape this word "HATE" in there life! I can't, I am full of hate!!!! And

 

I still feel a little bit sick this morning, I don't really feel like working today, been up early again, only had  2 1/2 hrs, not sure I got the energy to do 5 or 6 hrs cleaning this morning, might ring up for sick again, this is my four times I call in for sick because my mood, which is not too bad for 7 months since i started this job just before Christmas.

 

Yesterday been chatting on the phone with my Auntie Ann, she is very nice and elegance lady, very easy to talk to, she had help me a few times when I am a bit down, I like talking to her. Want to go for another walk with my other friend, but was to tired I went back for more sleep before hubby come back to pick me up to go shopping for more live rock for my fish tank. Then he dropped me back to the flat for me to have more rest and blogging, he went home to cook dinner it's Cantonese roast pork, yummmy! I was invite too.  What shall I do with this hubby, shall I keep it and hang on or dump?

It was a lovely day today, not until .........

 

Went to watch daughter ski race today, got up early this morning did not lie in bed late. Gosh! That's my only luxury thing I got left in my life!  First I drove to my brother then had a good long talk in his car while we waiting his kids having their piano lesson, then we all went shopping before driving to Matcham ski centre to watch my daughter's second half ski race. She came 4th in her age group. She was so please when I show her the shopping I did for her, I said to her: "Mummy been Ta Chu Uh!" means lost a lot of blood-spend to much. She want it all, I don't know why I "Ta Chu Uh" this morning? May be its my bipolar are showing me some sign!  LOL! Need to watch for that.

 

Got home uploaded some pics I took this morning, the phone rang! It's my sister in-law (went shopping with her this morning) invite me come over for dinner, she did a Cantonese Roast Duck for dinner tonight. So, I thought life it is going kind to me, happy happy everyday. But toward the end we are talking about voluntary work and end up some family matter, which had lead to some old issue, my brother and me end up rising our voice and I start my swearing, my head is expanding my blood are boiling, I feel my GOD are calling me again. We both nearly end up joining our father (GOD) dead!

Picnic again in the park today, the flower nursery are treating us a picnic in the park for all the volunteers today. And later on this month, they are giving as a day trip to Longleat House in Wiltshire. The weather are not too bad today not too hot and just a little light shower now and them, not enough to get wet. Been taking some flower pics in the nursery today to add in my photo album. It's been another good day so far. Life are not so bad if we open our self and join in with the rest on what is around you! Why take me so long to get this far.... to understand sad and locking in won't get me any where. Thank you Liza you're so right "Happy you live, Sad you still live, why not live Happy!" I am trying to do that. And thank you to all my friends for all your kind words and encouragement. Mei

 

 

Had few friends round for lunch yesterday, my boss text me Sunday evening said no work on Monday, job cancel. And one of my friend is moving to North Ireland next week, So I decided to give her a little party at my place while I'm in a good mood moment, so I rang up few friends and told them bring some food round to help me out the cooking, I'm getting very stresses these days when I invite people round for dinner, I used to have lady lunch alot at home with friends. Aren't so bad today and most my friends bring round some of their cooking and we all had a good old chatter and enjoy our cooking, my place is small but I managed to get everybody comfortable, it was ten people yesterday afternoon, So this is my another good day sharing with all my friends and see everybody happy chattering to each other, I am happy too even with all the hard work, don't know I can do anymore lady lunch or not in future, I am getting old! :-(

 

And don't know why I'm in a very good mood last few days, I don't feel that sad about my life anymore suddenly, may be it's just my bipolar, or its my friends and doctor's advice last week had wake me up suddenly, I am looking forward to my future now and enjoying life! Don't know how long i got left with all those pills I need to take every days. I want to meet more people and make more friends try not to be too shy with people, be open and do things i like and learn new hobbies, I will love to go back HK or China one day to find all my lost friends and find a good teacher to carry on my Chinese Brush Painting, any friends in HK know a good Chinese brush painting teacher in HK or China! Do let me know. Have a great day my friends! Mei

 

 

Hubby asked me to join in the bbq back at FIL's, not really expected myself will turn up, its only friends from his diving club that he joined when he was only 15 years old, he never get out on any things he join, may be that's one of his good bit. Loyalty! 

 

I thought it will be another lonely and sad day for me yesterday, but I am proud to get myself out of the flat, otherwise will be another lonely weekend all by myself in the flat, I need to do something to stop myself lock inside my flat another lonely weekend. My 95 years old lady said to me when i told her about the invite to the bbq, she know all about my story and she said she understand why my hubby wants to stay with his dad, and she feel sad for me too, but she is right, I need to get out from the flat join in the fun and meet people and enjoy life, so is my doctor said to me when I see her few days ago, she is very nice lady doctor, haven't seen her for ages, she had left the surgery, just come back to fill in for another doc, she asked what happen and why all those??? I was surprised she's interest, and we have a good little chat, usually the doc are always tight on their times, but she is so generous on that day, she is another person told me to enjoy myself and the freedom, not to worry to much about the divorce and family, just let things go.... I still really sad about me and my situation with my family and the future things like that. Even yesterday morning I'm still very stubborn when hubby rang up, we had a good long talk on the phone or shall i call it a row!!! Not really a row, its not fair for him, 19 years now, I know this MAN! We never had a row, not even a little one, I am bad temper with my own family and to my father in-law and my daughter, but don't know why with this chubby hubby, no matter how upset and anger I am or even my yelling or swearing, he never shout at me or told me off once, and this pass 18 months all this pain and mess he had put me in or I put him in, we still can talk and very calmly most the times, even I can feel it myself, is this me, how can I still talking with this man who left me this mess. He proudly said: Its all my credit, i mellowed you! LOL!

 

Well, I decided not spend another lonely day on my own, I rang a friend, nobody answer, so still want to find a friend, rang my 2rd choice! Sorry my 2rd choice! shouldn't put this here, but glad I did call you. She is in a mess too! Had a big row with family, I think I did the right choice, I take her out for a long walk down the park near the sea and we had a lovely beef burger in the park watching things go by, we're walking slowly up and down the path, my dog's favourite place for his free run. We walked quite a way and we talk about our family and things, she was so calm and cheer up a lot and I fill really calm to and I suggest her to come to the BBQ with me back at my FIL's house, she don't like to come but she bought me a big box Lychee for me to take it for the bbq, and they're sweet! Its from China, we went to a Chinese supermarket not far from my flat, I am shopping for stuff to bring for the bbq, I rang my hubby when we got back in the flat, I told him I am coming to the BBQ with a friend and I will call my two brother to come too, he said great! I know he don't mind, he love having good time with friends. When my mood are good I don't mind, and yesterday my mood are so good, I even mix in with his friends, well, most I already know for ages, some is new for me, because I haven't been to the dive club night for a swim anymore for ages, but I don't know where I get this good mood from last night, I been talking to a few of his dive friends and their partners, usually I'm really shy and quiet at most the party. Hubby said: It's because I am working now, I mixed with people more and it does helps me fit in with people. May be? I don't know or just my mood are high! That scary thing " Bipolar!" Anyway, its the best day I had for ages! Keep it up Bipolar! I love you my friends, don't let me down!!!

 

And another happy news, find out one of the dive friend's wife is my nephew's teacher and she also gave away her old piano to my friends children few years back, I asked her do you still teach piano, and she do, so I book her in for next Tuesday to start my lesson again, I am little nervous, didn't touch a note much since the piano move in. And luckily people upstair had move out last week, new people just move in yesterday, I hope they not working at home like the last one did, so I can do my practice on my piano!

 

Enjoy life if you can, change a step to find yours, happiness won't come to you, it's there for you all, it's free, but it's up to you to find. Try change your step. Yesterday is my happier day for long time, I am please that I changed my step! Keep it up Mei!