Sleep on demand... been sleeping on all sort of funny hours last few days, wake up 12.50am this morning, but I went to bed before 8pm last night, I just couldn't keep my eye open, only can sleep 4 or 5 hours max for past 2-3 years, if I don't have a afternoon nap, by 7 in the evening I will feel and look like sleeping walking, if I go to bed early I will wake up early, like last night can't stay open with my eye so went to bed before 8pm, wake up 12.50am, and worrying... can I go back again, luckily since having a computer and get into blogging, I have something for me to do, and I can vent all my anger in my blog, well, and some happy thought too! Not all are bad stuff are they? So, luckily I did have another two hours sleep after spend over 2 hrs walk blogging, then went back for another 2 hrs wake up at 5 this morning. Yesterday, I gone back to bed after breakfast, hubby left around 9 after breakfast he want to do the running round but I am feeling sleeping again, told him go home first, we do the run around later after lunch, so I have another good sleep till 2pm WOW... that is a very lovely one, wish don't need to wake up, 2pm... haven't done that for ages... So... if I can sleep I sleep, who care what time is it, it is sleep on demand. Told my friend yesterday, she said, so, when you can you do what you like, specially you don't have much luck most night, enjoy it! Yes, enjoy it no need feel shame, ok Mei! Yes! haha... nice to have a friend understand me. :-) Didn't have time for lunch sleep till 2pm, I just gab a banana and some crisp when hubby turn up with father in-law and my dog! daughter gone to boyfriend's, We went to Aquarium shop bought some more stuff added to my fish tank, I am so please with my Maine fish Tank I set up in June, the fish are doing really well, every thing still alive! I know I should not say it out to early, but I hope its ok this time, where are you GOD! Look after my fish, otherwise... I blame you again! :-)

I don't know what is up with me lately, I been blaming everything on GOD recently, and look what I done to my space! Looks like I had upset everybody with my blogs lately! Well, damage are done, I know no matter how many times I say sorry, its no use. All my GOD talk... just for adding some smile and venting during visits from my friend - bipolar! Who will understand me... Love me Hate me... who care! I see it all. Thanks P, I remember your chin up! I am trying my best!  Good day to you all! You all in my heart... help me through many up and down... Thank you all!

 

Went out shopping with my favorite Aunty, only just down the road and we walk in the rain, just a little rain and not far so we walk, only bought some foodie for the tummy not cloths shopping! :-( We had a good chat back in my flat, told her one of my good news... but she don't think... I thought she will be please for us... well, I will try my best to show it work. And I will blog this a later date.

 

I call my sisters out for dim sum tomorrow with all the children and my little pain is coming too, i thought she will say no when i ask, i am surprised, hope she behave... so I hope tomorrow is another good day, my mood are going up quick last few day, i am feeling strong again and my arm are getting better each day, so there is hope and light again, love you GOD! ha ... :-) 

The emptiness... lonely hopeless feeling... yesterday, nearly push me deep down the hole again! I call off the cooking back in the house, don't like they see my red eyes. Father and son still busy working on top of the house changing all the fascias and guttering for the last two weeks. Nearly finish and looking not bad... they like do things together, anything if they can do... they want to do it them self, this project take them 20 years to decided or save up!

 

After I call off the cooking, I have a great cry in the flat, lucky no body next door, then I have this new idea- a cookery club just for friends and mentally ill, it give me some light or hope, I don't feel that sad suddenly! I am not running a business, just some friends having lunch and I doing some cooking lessons, it's free! just some donation to a charity. I think I can manage that, its not a formal lesson, just like few friends get together... this is not a dream, just something to keep me occupied, don't think I can work again anymore, my arm and shoulder been playing me up again, I been searching for a new job, but how do I work with my pain on shoulder and arm! I think that three week school cleaning really finish me off! I don't know its that hard work, should give up the first day, and listen to my old lady. And a big thank you to my dad, all those years working for you with that hot WOK! All I got from you is a pain in the shoulder and arm, thanks Dad! And my heel spur! I won't forgive and forget you Dad! Its impossible....

Feel very blue today... told hubby I will pop in later to cook dinner at his place when he left my flat this morning, just before I want to leave, tears was pouring down my face, it change my mood so quick, I don't like to pop in and let them see me with my red eyes and I know I will keep flooding the place with tears. Hubby said he don't mind and ask me to come down. I was ok last night and cooking breakfast this morning, I did said a few words when he leave this morning moaning about me not happy on my own again! with no job and worrying about my pain on my arm and shoulder, and looks like that crazy dream is like a  big rock deep down in the ocean. I have friends and family and hubby and a daughter, but they seem like far far away from me no body  want to know or care about me, I am scare to call them when I am low, I feel I am not welcome, sisters and brothers? Am I that mad! I know everybody have their own story too, but we should get together more... we're not much different from stranger...

 

Hubby just call he will pick me up after he got the stew cooking in the oven, I don't know I am lucky or not with this hubby, he seem to care and still love me, even I push him to pick between me or his dad, and he pick to stay with his dad!  We can have a place close to his dad's, but he don't like the idea,  I am still on my own, maybe this is a trend now a days, just like he told me - there is a program about partner and married couple living separately but stay together with the relationships. Just like us... yes, but they not dump because a father in-law! I feel so blue again with all this old pain still around me, try to let go but it's not easy, after I have a good cry, I feel a little bit better. Then another crazy idea just come out from nowhere - cookery lunch club for friends and the mentally ill.... free! Just a little donation for a name charity... how about that? My blue is fading...   

 

I just need something to keep my mind off my pain... and feel useful... something to look forward to... and keep intouch with people, not feeling lonely at home. I am much better now, I got this cookery club to keep my mind busy for a while... one dream pass away... but I got another to keep me going... life feel some light again... devil(bipolar)! I won't let you bit me this time... I will wait and see for myself!

Got a letter from the landlord's solicitor last week, in his opinion preparing and cooking food on a commercial scale would be in breach of the covenant contained in the lease. He also said " A lot of people do run small part-time business from their homes - Internet type business. But if Mei carrying on a business from the premises, it is not a private dwelling use and if there are smells emanating from the cooking that could well amount to a nuisance. Further, the insurance policy for the block is in the nature of a policy for private flats and a commercial operation might void the policy." - When I did my home cooked meals 12 years ago at my in-law's house (only 3 hours an evenings Friday, Saturday only ) the business is so low key the insurance didn't need to change a thing but I do had other insurance for the business.

 

Well, I still hope there is a chance to get them change their mind! I think working at home as a business on the Internet is no different from what I trying to do. All business is a business, if people can work at home running a business - is business! All business call commercial - big or small... and I do think there is people out there who is working at home doing big business... Mei just want to stay alive.......... and 99 % Mei's ready meals is prepared ready meals ready for you to cook in your own home. How much cooking will it need for just prepared food for people doing the cooking in their own home? And how big is my flat and how much ready meals I can prepared in my tiny little flat with my tiny little electric hob? There is on the news few years back, a couple making pancake at home for a well know supermarket chain. Two woman doing frozen baby food in their own kitchen at home. And a lady running a small group cookery class at her flat in London. I might still have a photo from bbc GOOD FOOD magazine showing the lady running her class in her kitchen. See! all this people's story do give me a lot inspirations and idea... Mei admirer them a lot... tomorrow I will post my landlord another letter, just hoping thing will...... I am not giving up yet!

 

It's a little bit low today, but after writing all this down, I am a lot better already! Ready for more... surprised!

Have a good talk with hubby last week, daughter knows she did wrong, he said. me and daughter not spoken to each other yet. Not really want to say it here, but tell the true, my love are turn to hate now, no matter how many people had said to me before, they are all like that at this age. It does gives me hope, but I am not so sure now, so many....... I don't feel any hope, only hate! Is it normal, ha ha! May be not, I never will, a bipolar, normal?

 

Don't worry, bipolar isn't coming in yet, I have got guards round my castle! miss two days work, to upset last week and today my bad shoulder are killing me, need to see the doc later, I hope they can do something this time, last time 2 years ago, my doc gave me just two needle (acupuncture) on each shoulder and a friend gave me a good messages and it work. Have a good week my friends. Mei

I blog it, I cry, I talk, I feel better now! Lets back to work! Have a nice week my friends!

 

My aromatherapy oil didn't let me down, they worked again! Feeling great in just four days, WOW!!! I'm very please. My diabetic nurse asked me just before Christmas, do I need my flu jab, I said no, I used my aroma oil for my cold or cough, and the jab don't seem do me any good always gives me  more cough after I had the jab. She said the jab still can give you cough and cold, a flu is not a cold. She is happy with me with my aroma oil, if it work that's great, and this time, I had a flu not a cold, haven't had a flu for years, and I stay at home for four days only went out once to see the doc about my in-grown eyelashes the appointment I make over a week ago, my Optician suggested something need to be done to remove my in-grown eyelashes.  

 

Back to work today, 5 hours domestic cleaning, done my exercise! my heel spur started to hurts a bit, even with my insole on inside my slipper when I got home, some days it feel ok, but if i go walking or shopping for to long and not having a rest in between, no matter what insole I got on, the pain you think gone for good are still with you. Is it mean I will end up in a wheelchair and how do I cope on holiday? Feel very tired went for a late nap wake up 9pm, OMG! my dinner! So, just a quick instant packet noodles with my favourite Chinese fish balls and some spinach make a big bowl noodle soup and I am HAPPY!

I got that horrible flu bug... haven't got that for ages 3, 4 years or more, I should have flu jab every year for my diabetes, but they seem to gives me more cold and cough, so I did not taken any flu jabs for quite a few years, and the use of aromatherapy oil seems do me a treat away from cold or cough. Don't ever say this work or things are good, they always do the opposite to me, just been telling my work mate on Tuesday I use lavender, tea tree, eucalyptus oils for my cold and cough. Look what I did to myself, this blxxdy flu. God another home alone!!!

Call in sick this morning, went to the flower nursery instead, trying to do some Easter card, but lake of inspiration, went to do some recipe instead on the computer, and wrote an article for the nursery magazine, had a good chatty with the staff and our like minded friends. So the day gone by so fast, I feel alot calmer, and now I better have a good night sleep hopefully, I wake up fresh and bright ready for work tomorrow. Good night friends. Mei

Trying to get some more sleep, but looking at the bed, again! the feel of wanting my laptop with me makes me thinking of my router, my little brother, I am in tears again in the dark, while I waiting to find my sleepy angle. It really broke my heart, my little grumpy brother, we always help him when they need help, remember before you marry, your problem with colitis, I come over every time when you call that you're in plain, I do your shopping, hubby and me take you to hospital and back, hubby and my father in-law help you do things around the house, sometimes is so urgent need them come straight away, like water leaking from upstair down to the lighting downstair, boiler having problem etc, your wife need someone for comfort after a road pile up, her car been hit at the back, but it hardly see a scratch, you call me to asked my father in-law go over to give her some support. We have give all we can to help you people and me your bigsis just want you to connect my new router that hubby bought me for my birthday last summer, and what did I got in return from you, this time you really make me see through our love and human being! Do you remember what you said to me before you asked me to help you buy your first house, you just find your first job, a good job in the bank, but you don't have any money to pay the deposit to buy the house on your own and the house price are going up rocky high very fast, you pick me from the three sister to help you share a mortgage with you, because I can have some discount from the bank you work with and you will look after me (I am worrying my illness at the time, don't think i will ever married or have a family,) All just sweet talk, I'm not even allow to bought a new sofa bed put in the house that I have half the share, so I can have a place to sleep when I stay just for a night. And there is more ..... I really hope I can get all this out in front of you, but I am scare and the rest of us are too scare to visit you or talk to you, This is the only place I give myself freedom to talk to moan, don't like what I write fight me back, anytime for now and the future, don't worry I'll cope any responds are welcome little brother.

 

This blog was written early this morning, not sure I should post or not, I am very clam at the moment, i don't think its something to do with my bipolar that make me write about my little brother all this is in my heart bury for too long, and I still haven't got to the point yet, my little brother know who I am talking about. And talking about all this family things in here may be its too much for some, remember this is a free world, if I feel something is not fair, I always find time to fight, no matter how long it take me, when I am ready or need to vent, I don't care what you people think of me - here she go again, she is nut again! Yes, I know I am and writing things out in here is one of my way to cool down my fire, so, sorry if you think I hurts you for putting things down here, think first, who is behaving badly! I'll see what will this few blog gives me, may be another relapes but I just could not care anymore, I feel nothing from this little brother and his wife, I just miss the kids. I know some of them are reading my blog sometimes, I am in for another war!!!  

11.15pm-2.20am not so good, give friend a lift back home, have a rest back in the flat, went back to in-law's for dinner hubby asked me earlier, but not a happy beginning to start, daughter nearly have my blood cooking again!  Been up all night again, shouldn't said I win to early!  Should I go to work this morning? I am not so sure, God help me!

Got over five hours sleep last night, with the help of 1/2 my sleeping pill, and my Dr Bach remedies, it really help! Got to rush now, a friend coming for lunch. Hope you all have a good Sunday! Mei

O! No he's here again, God, this is my third night I been waking very early!!! To early, 2am, 3am, and today 12.30am but i did went to bed early 8.30pm last night, I start to note down my sleeping time now. if get to bad i'll call my social worker, he is very good, he can come on the day if he is free. This bloody devil are back again, don't think my last hope or dream can come true, i am disabled, a little over work on the brain, I'm dead. Don't have any energy to move or doing anything, carry on a few more day, I'll lost my job!!! Thank you GOD, you're kind to me.

 

OK! I'll fight, I am not giving it up, I'll win again this time, now I know about you-this horrible devil, I learned all about you, I will win you again, I will bit that 7 years pattern, its no cure i know that, i know how to control you now, hope this time i don't need to end up in your mad house. So you help me God. Silly me! I am talking to a NO GOD. Sorry guys! Can GOD help me?

Christmas is coming near and I am not looking forward to it, actually I am scare this year, scare to going back the house for Christmas and worry! But I decided to going back, and now my sister invite me go over her, my hubby, daughter and father in-law are invite too! It'll be a big party for all my sisters and brothers and all the children turn up, we haven't had a all get together for a long time, the five of us now have married and have children its hard to find a room to get everyone together, this year we're invite to my little sis and her hubby's restaurant for a Christmas do. It'll be fun! I hope it's a peaceful get together! No argue and tears or sad story! Keep my mouth zipped!

 

It's great I had found a job, well, two really! I been looking for this since I left the health club in July, this two jobs I really like, especially the one support the elderly in the evening. The second job is something I wouldn't like to do it at home, but now I get paid for doing it, Domestic cleaning! It's different! Been working for two morning this week, only two or three hours a morning, but my old pain are back, my friend heel spur! How long can I keep the job this time? I hardly walk when I got home, with all this Christmas shopping it really come in the right time, everything come like a package all at once! Can anyone have some advice or have problem with heel spur troubling them? I had this heel spur more then 10 years now, its been doing very good after two needles from the specialists in hospital 8 years ago or I can have a choice for a surgeons, I am worry about the surgeons, so I go for the needles, still playing up now and them but not to bad. I thought this cleaning job its like cleaning your own house and the hours are only three or four hours a morning, shouldn't do any worst to my foot. So I hope this new insole I bought can help me add extra comfort for my heel. I don't want to give up the jobs, I need them and I like it too, the house are easier to clean them my own, pretty house too! I always like keeping pretty things tidy and clean. And the other job is support the elderly in their own home with the dinner and just a little bit of washing up and a little chat in the evening, very short hour I love doing that, but its too far from home I need to drive to different place in the dark and its around the most busy time of the day 4pm to 6pm, it only take me 15 mins normally but it end up an hour the other night, well I waste half hours round and round the town centre looking all over the place. LOL! I am not a good driver, but I am careful, really careful! Still had both my wings in perfect condition! Should I say that too earlier?

 

Well, my friends that's my updates, been really busy these few week, too much need to do and think! I hope everybody are doing well, and ready for Christmas and I still have a lot to get done yet, I am not ready! I hate Christmas! I like it very much when I'm young, I think people can have family get together anytime. Christmas is a pain to me. I find it very stress around this time and this year I am on my own I still hate all this shopping for presents, writing card, planning the foods, who is coming and who go who, decorations etc... It's too much to do. I hate it, even I had a good time and some big presents and I still HATE it! But that is me! Don't tell me off friends from the GOD or Jesus, I have freedom to say what I like or don't like. So is you friends! Maybe I need some spark, it's been too quite in space lately! LOL! Anyway, I still love to say Merry Christmas everyone! Thinking of you all! Mei

 

Well, first I need to thank you Caroline, Sue, Tanja, Michiko, JoAnn and Pauline for all your kind words and visits. And Tanja you made me cry again reading your latest comment, thank you!

 

Lets finish what I original want to moan about, as most of you already know I'm looking for work, and I was so please to find a job through my laptop and with my bipolar, I thought I'll never find anything if i put my bipolar in the application form, but I got the job! Even its not something that i like to do - a cleaner in a posh health club, but its only 10 mins walk from my place the hours are good(7am to 12am during the week, but she change all that to working Friday and Saturday, and 7am to 3pm) and she change to Saturday and Sunday not tell me its Saturday to start when I get up early for my first day Friday, i got send back home why she told me its Friday Saturday, didn't have a sorry from her when I asked, just said "no its Saturday and Sunday" And 8 hrs a day is a bit long for me, I'm not so sure, its too long day for my old age and my foot, but she told me i can always change if some one leave, when I asked her how many cleaner in the club, she told me 10, and they only have 5, my job is actually for two people to do it together, but its only me all those time when i was there, its killing me and i asked could they give me shorter hrs, if not I'll resign, and they did change my hrs, its 4 hrs on and 4 hrs off then back to do another 4 hours, i said I'll try and i just start getting used to cleaning in front of all those posh people, even dont feel shame anymore in front of my friends, I was once belong to those posh people for 3 years, I'm a member of that health club too, I even paid for my hubby and daughter to join with me. But I give it up because I still couldn't swim the hole lane after 3 years trying, I did once swim 10 lane with a little break in between, but it just only that really day, it don't look real to me when i think back, and i never make it again!

 

Well, same again short pay, this health club still short pay on my wage, they just call me yesterday on the phone and told me he will sort something today and give me a call, no news from him, i will wait until tomorrow afternoon if nothing from them, I think i will try to give them a personal visit to see the head manager tomorrow. Its nearly a month now, they past my case from one to the another and another and another......